By: Annie Sheikh

We come across all sorts of people, and perhaps that’s part of what makes life so interesting. Without some irritating intruders, how would we ever know the difference between those we want to spend time with, and those we consider a waste of energy? You need to have experienced the bad to appreciate the good, right? That’s a more positive way to look at it anyway.

There is a whole variety of individuals worth discussing, but there is only so much that can be talked about in one article.

Today then, we’ll be talking about that category of people who seem more like descendents of the leech family or some combination of human and leech genes that have mutated together over time. For your convenience, I have named this type of person, “The Human Leech”. Just to make it easier for us to discuss and educate ourselves on, of course.

The Human Leech isn’t too difficult to spot.

Individuals in this category tend to have poor body language. They often are as languid as a dead jellyfish, and this is obvious in their walking/talking/sitting styles. I haven’t had the chance to observe one while it sleeps, but I can imagine it dragging itself sulkily into bed and then quietly sliding to the floor in the middle of the night.

Not only does the Human Leech not stand straight, but seems to put in extra effort to contort itself into leech like shapes. You will often see it shuffling its feet, dragging itself around, and drooping as it sits, stands, or walks.

In extreme cases, it is difficult to tell whether the Leech is sitting, lying down, or sleeping, in the chair or sofa which it’s occupying.

Let’s move on to behavioral patterns now.

The Human Leech is whiny. It thrives on pity and sympathy. The Leech will do anything to gain the sympathy of those in its surroundings, even if it has to make itself look sad and pathetic.

The Human Leech in essence is a cry baby with minimal to zero amounts of vertebrae in its limp backbone. This tends to correspond with the amount of self respect it has for itself – also very little.

One way in which the Human Leech tries to gain sympathy is by telling stories about the injustices the whole universe seems to be dishing out to it. According to the Leech, everyone treats it badly. The Leech often laments about how hard it works, how difficult its struggles are, yet how no one ever seems to care or reward it for its efforts. What is a poor Leech to do then, but cry and complain to those silly enough to fall for its (always exaggerated, often false) stories?

How then, does such a spineless creature win over sympathies?

Don’t be fooled by the Human Leech’s passive stance.

In order to survive, the Leech knows it has to have certain key players in its army camp, be that in its family, friends, or workplace. And to secure those people’s favor, the Leech can employ an array of tactics.

One common method the Leech employs to win over listeners is flattery. To the sensible person, if not initially, then very soon, it becomes obvious that the Leech is just running off at the mouth.

To the person with less insight, or more likely a weakness for sweet talk and behind kissing, there is nothing more delightful than the Human Leech. For them, the Leech is the most honest, hard working, and perfect human being that ever roamed the earth. Sometimes, these people get so blinded by the Leech’s deception, that they’re ready to ignore and disbelieve everybody else. This Leech Support Squad goes so far as to defend the Leech’s often unacceptable behavior, and is ready to fight everyone else for the Leech, no matter how many facts there are to prove the Leech’s trickery.

The Leech Support Squad usually keeps the Leech well protected, and often always broadcasts the Leech’s requests to the appropriate parties, so as to further the Leech’s interests.

Another defining characteristic of the Human Leech is that more often than not, it tends to be a very stingy and miserly creature.

The Leech has a very tiny, black heart, which shrinks even more in size when it has to pay for anything, even something insignificant, like a drink for example. I’m not exactly sure what the Leech does for survival when it’s on its own, but when the Leech is with you, rest assured it will make you pay for everything, all the time, even if it’s for its own use.

In some cases, the Leech is known to invite people out for dinner, and then suffer from some sort of memory lapse that prevents it from recalling that it’s supposed to foot the bill after the meal is over.

The Leech will not only stick with you for a free ride, but also to take any advantage it can with or without your knowledge.

The Human Leech is not a sincere creature. It will pretend to be sincere, in so long as it sees a benefit in it for itself. The moment the Leech realizes it no longer needs you, or that it has found a better leeching option, it might slowly start to disappear from your sight. Unfortunately, this rarely happens, as the Leech likes keeping its options open, and knows which person can provide the best advantage for which purpose.

The Human Leech is a very cunning and sly parasite.

Instead of being thankful for the help it gets, it’s always scheming and thinking of ways to get back at its host out of sheer jealousy and spite. The minute the Leech thinks it has any sort of advantage over you, or that it can improve its image at your expense, it will do so by stabbing you in the back with a 10 foot knife. The Leech will always cover its tracks though, and seem to have no knowledge of its misdeeds.

The Human Leech is also known to lie to your face, and will never own up to its actions, which makes it not only the most dangerous of creatures to have around, but also one of the vilest.

So how do you get rid of such a blood sucking, time consuming, and energy guzzling waste of a sucker?

Bear in mind, this is one of the most difficult human types to get rid of, largely because it has no self respect, and will keep coming back to you repeatedly for its needs.

One option is just confronting it. Be direct and clear that you don’t want any further loss of blood from your damaged scalp. Tell the Leech you’re tired of the itching and headaches its tiny leech teeth are causing, and if you ever see it again, you will pour salt all over it. (Salt is rumored to kill real leeches by dehydrating them).

The other option is being passive aggressive. Refuse to do anything whenever the Leech asks you for a favor. “Joke” about the Leech’s blood sucking capacity. “Forget” to invite the Leech to every single event of yours. Often “forget” to remember the Leech at all when you do run into it somewhere. Every time you meet the Leech, update your Facebook status soon after and make sure it has the word “Leech” in it. You may also want to tweet about your leechy encounter and warn others in its path. You get my drift.

None of these measures are guaranteed to work though, because the Human Leech is very shameless, so it might still keep trying to hook itself onto your poor, bruised, scalp.

Keep trying though, and you never know. It might take many, many, anti leeching years, but you just might come up with a breakthrough.

Oh, and when you do, you know where to find me.